I Admit It!

I’m stressed.
I’m trying not to be and I don’t really know why I am.
Now I know that you would probably say well you’re stressed ’cause your husband has cancer (again) and that it’s perfectly reasonable to feel that way.
Well it is and it isn’t – Last time or should I say the first time we went through his ordeal – it was so terribly awful, unimaginable, scary, incomprehensible.
When he had his surgery there wasn’t any time to be worried or stressed – all that mattered was that you had to help him and while you were doing that he was busy getting better.  There was no time to think – what if?  Ok sometimes it was a bit distressing but I wasn’t (too) stressed.
This time it’s different.
I don’t know how and I don’t know why.
The whole prospect of treatment isn’t as daunting as the surgery was – it takes about 20/30 mins a day and it’s over with, so far there are no side effects – that may change by about week 4 but we’ll have to wait and see.
I think it’s the whole thing that it came back – if it came back this time does that mean it can come back again?
I know I shouldn’t go down that road and generally it can be dismissed but given the situation we’re in it’s not wholly unrealistic is it?
It’s not going to kill him although by the nature of the disease it does have that potential (then again if he annoyed me enough then yeah I’d have the potential too) – what it is, is, I just want him to be well.  I don’t want him to be sick, I don’t want to have to wait for side effects, I don’t want to wait to see if it’s gone.
When I say I want him to be well again I don’t just mean cancer be gone but the side effects of the surgery too – I wish they were gone or lessened.
I want us to be able to plan and focus on us and not on a few cells.
I can handle the question how is Pádraig?  and while it’s nice and all of that I just can’t handle the question that is – How are you?  The answer if I don’t cry is I’m fine (after all I’m not sick) all you can do is put your head down and get through the day ’cause that’s all you can do – you’ve no control over tomorrow.
Maybe that’s it!  It’s the lack of control I feel.  Who am I kidding? I don’t know why!

Did I mention I have pmt?  No?  well that might be the cause of some of my stress this weekend…

BTW it’s always WE have and appointment for HIS treatments kind of thing.  It always annoyed me when your heard Oh Yes WE’RE expecting – no you’re wife is, you’re not!  I get a bit paranoid now that I’m doing it and I do apologise to anybody I’ve sinned against in my heart with that one 🙂

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