It’s been one week since my admission melt down and my world has changed since then. A day or two later woke up just as a dream was ending and I could hear the words – stop messing and just do it – so I did. If I’m being honest I find it very difficult to explain what happened. It seems as if the words had some sort of mental impact on me and I just seemed to snap out of the funk I had been in – I don’t know why I seem to be reluctant to call it depression when that’s exactly what it was – however I’ve come out from under the cloud and I’m me again! Well now I’m me, for the first day or two I was a bit manic, but that has all balanced out.
We were talking about what the difference is and I concluded that my lack of self confidence is better hidden and doesn’t control me to the same extent as it did and the paralysis that I felt at home was gone. Previously I’d come home from work and sit on the sofa ’til bedtime, get up, go to work and repeat the cycle. I’m glad that’s gone as there are things that need doing and I just couldn’t get it done.
It really does feel like I’ve stopped messing and am getting on with it. If I’m being completely honest the feeling makes me a bit giddy (I think that is what the manic feeling was to begin with) .
Anyway I could go on and on about how down I felt and about how great it is to have snapped out of it and that I can sit here and smile to myself and I don’t feel like I’m going to burst into tears at any given moment (Ok I will but only at sad things). I’m going to sign off here ’cause I don’t know what it is I want to say or how to say it – I just wanted you all to know that I’m back and happy.